hope(/less)

No matter how many heartbreaks, knockbacks and put downs you get, or atleast I've gotten, really make the hit of them that much easier at all. Dealing with them maybe. The first heartbreak has you thinking your world has ended and you'll never get that back again. The next few times, it still feels like it's done, but you know it will be ok, it'll just take time. And then, you just need to keep having the will to want to get back on the horse and get back to being ok. It gets harder to hold out for hope, but as long as there is hope, and you can find yourself wanting to be happy again, then I guess you'll be ok. eventually. The human spirit is strong as hell, and you don't realise it (because there's no reason too) until life fucks you up. When you're faced with the choice of giving up or going on, at first giving up seems inevitable, you can't find the will to do anything, but hopefully, in time that's replaced with the will to make it back, and better! it can be a rejuvinating thing to hit hard times as it shakes up your world and makes you reassess almost everything.

Some amazing moments have happened in the last year. memories and moments made to last. I've met people who've let me into and be part of their world, even if only for one night, and opened up and spoke about things to these people that I've kept from close friends. Other things have been awful. The last year has been a real eye opener. it's been hard as hell, but not harder than anybody elses at all. Not easier, everyone's is a fucking struggle in it's own way. I think just before, I'd been exceptionally lucky in things working out alright. These last 12 or so months has seen me thrown into the 'real world' and having to get a grip and deal with it. And deal with it I did/will/do.

Hmm, I seem to relate everything to songs. I find comfort in the music and the wise words of others alot. Songs poems or books, have been the best friends I've ever found at times. They put things better than I ever really could. Sometimes there can be one line in a song that's so deceptivley simple, but so weighted with truth, that it always sticks in the mind and heart.

'Some people are better off single, 'cause they're always falling in love'.

'to live is to fly, both low and high'


or even 'millionaires play baseball'.

When I was 17 or 18 I really began trying to use songs as a way of dealing with things (anything) and one of them I wrote was called it 'I never drank whiskey'. The idea being that whiskey is the crutch of those who've got it worst. it's a bluesman's drink and what you hit when everything goes to shit. To never touch it, would I imagine, be to never really experience life or feel properly. surely if you never hit rock bottom, you can't comprehend how amazing and wonderful and joyful it feels to hit those euphoric highs?? like, you need the comparrisons. you need to experience the opposites to understande the place of the other one...

the chorus to it went...

"The good times without the bad, like a rollercoaster without fear,
Black without white, is just another colour,
And a life of highs and lows, makes it so much fuller,
Not wanting them but knowing, they ‘re what make you in the end."

In the same sense Whiskey can flow like water in the best moments of your life. Swigging Wild Turkey and singing along to old/loud/happy songs is similarly common a barroom staple as the downtrodden glumbags sat staring blank into it's golden abyss when everything seems fucked.

There are always ups and downs.

But when your down, remember there'll be ups to come. and when you're up, appreciate them fully, because who knows how long any of us will be riding high. eh eh eh?

there have been dark as fuck times in the past, and there will be darker times ahead. But I'll get through them, and be better for them. I'll learn and grow from them, and no doubt get alot more songs from them. That's the means I've found to deal with shit.

sometimes life is cruel as hell. but still got to have hope. always. when you're hopeless, it's the worst feeling of them all.


and also...MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!